Screaming

Picture this: A pastor's wife and teacher who strives to lead by example in her every day life screaming at God while she drives to work to and fro. Does that seem crazy to you? Well, it's nice to meet you, too.

When Justin and I struggled with infertility, I had such a bad attitude towards God and was so angry with Him all the time. One day, I started screaming at the top of my lungs at Him through falling tears on the way to work. I couldn't take it anymore. He was withholding blessings from me. What had I done to deserve infertility? Wasn't I doing everything I could to live for Him? Why wouldn't he just give me one child? Why? Why? WHY!?!

Sadly, this became a pattern in my life for several months.

Then came silence. Nothing. Months of quiet. I didn't pray; He didn't answer. I thought He was fed up with me, and I really didn't care because He was hurting me. I was devastated. Nothing could make it better but a child.

Or could it?

Begrudgingly, I gave up. I opened my Bible and reread 1 Samuel 1 one more time. Here is an excerpt:

As she continued praying before the Lord, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was speaking in her heart; only her lips moved, and her voice was not heard. Therefore Eli took her to be a drunken woman. And Eli said to her, “How long will you go on being drunk? Put your wine away from you.” But Hannah answered, “No, my lord, I am a woman troubled in spirit. I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the Lord. Do not regard your servant as a worthless woman, for all along I have been speaking out of my great anxiety and vexation.” Then Eli answered, “Go in peace, and the God of Israel grant your petition that you have made to him.” And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad.

All of the sudden, I got it! Hannah walked away without tears, but she wasn't pregnant with Samuel yet. She believed God had never left her. God had never left me. He had been holding His screaming child in His arms. Now, I believed in my heart God had a plan for my life. He could use Justin and me for great things without being parents. Becoming a mother didn't define me. I was excited. I began to pray again. My face was no longer sad. And I wasn't pregnant.

Now, I have three beautiful blessings (see above--hahaha). That is not the way it happens for everyone, yet I pray that my testimony will encourage you to stop screaming, quit ignoring, and start praising Him for the life He's given you, even if He doesn't give you what you want. He will give you what you need.