A Long Way From Home

Something I rarely share is my testimony. That confession brings me disgrace, but one of my main goals in my walk with Christ (and this blog) is to be transparent to Him and others. Every time I meditate on the book of Hosea, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for God's pursuit of His children, us harlots, and how he redeems them from self-inflicted slavery. That is my testimony in a nutshell, as I'm sure it is yours, too, if you are a Christian. My story is nothing fancy, but it's mine. And I share it with the online world for His glory, not my own.

My spiritual journey began when I was baptized as a young girl around the age of six. I remember wanting to get baptized because another girl in my Sunday School class was. That was my one and only motivation; I didn't know Christ yet.

I was baptized again in seventh grade. My church's youth group when to an amazing summer camp called Friends Forever at Baylor University, and I felt all the right feelings while there. I began to doubt my salvation and quickly went to my youth minister claiming I wasn't a Christian. He prayed a prayer with me, and the rest is history. No, not really. I still didn't know Christ.

After a life of debauchery in most of high school and half of college college, I began seeking a deeper understanding of what it meant to be a Christian. During my junior year, my Bible became a friend of mine as I read it often. I even prayed often. I knew that I was not living a Christian lifestyle when it appeared, occasionally, I was genuine. My closest friend surrendered to the ministry in December of my junior year in undergrad, and I began to attend church and various Bible studies regularly. I still felt like a fraud because I doubted Christianity more than I believed it. Half of me wanted to break free from the facade. The other half was intrigued. I picked up C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity and devoured it, and the truth began to resonate in my soul. Lewis's words made sense to me. The logic that I needed was everywhere, and God revealed to me I was not a true believer, but I wanted to be. My thoughts were racing: "What will my friends think? Everyone thinks I'm saved. My family will be embarrassed. I've been baptized two times already. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm already a Christian." All the what if's and maybe's continued for months until my senior year of college.

In October 2000, I felt such a strong call on my life from God. Words can't express what His power was doing to me, but I was running from Him. I was making secret plans to go out of state to graduate school. Getting married like everyone else was not what I really wanted at the time. I would have been willing to do anything to be successful and live my dream life. Like God did with Jonah, He forbid me to hide. Finally, during an evening church service, I couldn't take it any longer. I turned to a friend and said the words, "I am not a Christian, but I want to be." To my relief, he quickly ushered me to one of the church's ministers and stood by my side the entire time we talked and prayed. My salvation experience didn't end there; it was just the beginning.

The next morning, I visited with my home church's pastor and told him what was happening in my life. I was excited and scared, but I knew I was doing the only thing I could because I couldn't say no to God. He gave me another book to read: Charles Colson's How Now Shall We Live to help me form my worldview. He assured me from my growing up in church that I knew all the Sunday School answers, but Colson's book would help me in the intellectual world I was about to confront in graduate school. When I left there, I still had many burdens to take to the Lord and talking and praying with people wasn't what I needed that day.

On Monday night, I began an almost forty-eight hour prayer time with God confessing my sins and begging His forgiveness. I also prayed for God to direct my future although I knew what He was telling me to do. I didn't go to class or sleep that entire time. I stayed in my dorm room closet on my face becoming justified by repenting of my sins, and my sanctification process began then as well. I didn't understand all of those five dollar theological words at the time, but looking back, I clearly see what God was doing.

When I came out of my almost forty-eight hour prayer time, I desired to obey God, wanting to please Him and not myself. I stopped running from the future He had for me, and I made hard decisions like ending a serious relationship and deciding to apply for a teaching assistant position at an in-state graduate school. Both of those decisions scared me, but God's faithfulness led me down a difficult yet rewarding path.

A few weeks later I was baptized in the same church I had been twice before. My close friends and family came to show their support. The next year proved difficult as I received one college degree and began seeking another that led to a teaching career and, more importantly, as I ended one relationship and started another fast-moving, mind-boggling one that led to marriage. New Christians usually do have many obstacles to overcome, and the time after conversion can be trying. I know I was tempted in many ways during those early months; sometimes I resisted, and sometimes I did not.

Now, I look back on that difficult and exciting time with abundant joy, and my story continues still. I was redeemed from sin-slavery in October 2000; I was reconciled and restored to a mighty Savior, but I am still a sinner who is a long way from home. God sanctifies me bit by bit every single day, and many times, it hurts. The cross hurt Him though. My sufferings don't compare to His in the least. For that, I am eternally grateful.