People hurt us. They offend us. They make us sad. They also are pretty good at making us angry. Most people we know do this from time to time, and we get over it fairly quickly. Other people live what seems like a lifetime of wronging others. How do we handle the latter folks' continued mistreatment? Do we wallow in the ongoing offenses? Do we continue to be their victims? If we do, then we should choose to be victims no longer. How do we accomplish such a lofty task, you ask? We must choose to forgive them.
First of all, you don't decide to be someone's victim. You don't have control of what people do to manipulate and hurt you. What you decide is to remain the victim. For example, when you realize someone does not have your best at heart, there are two ways to respond. One, you continue to let that person's actions define you. You can drown in self-pity and make decisions that enable that person to harm you even more. Or two, you can continue to love that person but remove yourself from the arrow's way. You can distance yourself so that when they try to hit you, the target, they miss. Now, what does this have to do with forgiveness? Let me explain.
Choosing to remain the victim only hurts the offender. In other words, letting that person continue to use you only leads to more and more offenses building up mountains of hurt for you to forgive. Distancing yourself allows you to deal with what's already happened and choose forgiveness. The offender cannot hurt you as much because of the separation, but you also give them grace by showing them forgiveness. Forgiveness is not saying, "What you did is okay, and you can do it to me again." Forgiveness is saying, "What you did hurt me, but I am going to release the debt you owe me because you cannot pay me back or make it right. I am going let Jesus pay your debt to me and seek Him to comfort me, heal me, and prayerfully, heal you and our relationship."
If you desire reconciliation with your offender, know this: Sometimes relationships end with reconciliation and sometimes they don't. Some offenders don't desire it. You don't have control either way just like you couldn't control becoming a victim. Don't fool yourself into playing God by trying to manipulate the outcome. You, however, can control remaining a victim.You can overcome victimization by choosing forgiveness. Here are some practical ways to do this:
1. Pray for your offender daily. Pray that God will forgive that person and that He will give you the grace to forgive like Him.
2. Remove yourself from the offender's life. Sometimes this is next to impossible. If your offender is your close family member, then you must distance yourself from his/her destructive behavior as much as possible. If your offender is someone you can live without, then live without him/her. It doesn't mean you don't care; you just want to protect yourself from the continued hurt and your offender from the continued temptation to sin against you.
3. Choose forgiveness each day. When the desire to wallow in hurt arises or you are triggered to remember the pain, press it back with prayer and a conscious effort to tell yourself that you desire to let go of the offenses and forgive.
4. Remember your own sins. You aren't perfect, and you aren't better than your offender. Thank God for His saving grace in your life. It will help you stop casting stones at others.
I was once a victim; I also decided to remain victimized for a time. Now, I choose forgiveness for all time. What will you choose?
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